We’re not hiring.

Every seat is taken. Mostly by people who should be off their phones.

These roles are made up. None of them are open, and there is no way to apply.

• Chief Tomato Officer

  Leadership

  Owns every tomato thrown at every friend. Reports to whoever lost on Sunday.

  Filled

• Senior Doomscroll Detective

  Investigations

  Finds out where the last forty minutes went. Usually one more video.

  Closed

• Head of Putting the Phone Down

  Wellbeing

  Had one job. Did it, then left for a walk.

  Filled (still filled)FilledStill filled

• Staff Notification Silencer

  Peace and Quiet

  Muted the team channel on day one. Nobody has been able to reach them since.

  Position eliminated by our own app

• Junior Leaderboard Anxiety Engineer

  Engineering

  Refreshes the standings so you do not have to. Please stop refreshing the standings.

  Closed

• Principal Grass Toucher

  Outdoors

  Touches grass on behalf of the whole company. Quarterly goals are weather permitting.

  Filled

• Vibes Compliance Lead

  Legal-ish

  Reviews group chat energy for compliance. Findings are mostly lowercase.

  Closed

• Screen Time Sommelier

  Tasting Notes

  Detects notes of late-night scrolling, with a long finish. Pairs well with going to bed.

  Filled

• Director of Just Five More Minutes

  Snooze Operations

  Negotiated the same five minutes for six years. The role was not extended.

  Position eliminated by our own app

No openingsCheck back never.